You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
