I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
