dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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