Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
