she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am naked and annoyed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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