Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
