I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
