I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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