I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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