wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
All the doctor said was why
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
