Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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