He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
