She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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