my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
