I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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