Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
