happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
