If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
