I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
