Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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