I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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