So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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