I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
