You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
