rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
