I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
