Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
