Three words: puerto rican gang bang
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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