fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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