you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
