Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
