I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
