Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have feelings that need drinking.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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