He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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