I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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