got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
50% drunk capacity currently
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
