in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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