Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off