does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?