i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
