Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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