I wish I could teleport
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
