Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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