I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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