I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
