when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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