Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
