I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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