My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
