Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
