Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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