god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You left your phone here
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