I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
