i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
