my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There r osticjed everywhere
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
