nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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