Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
